dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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