Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
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