Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
