my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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