no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
