if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
