I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
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