The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
