My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I have demons in me.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
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