how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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