Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
