I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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