so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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