just come out here and I will go home with you...
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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