I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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