Can i not drive my cunt home
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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