So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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