you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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