I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
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