Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
