went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
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