I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Randomize
