woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
