you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
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