i think my mom watched the whole time
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize