Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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