he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
