dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
