Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
