I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
