So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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