I'm sorry my penis didn't work
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
