well I can't set my house on fire every night
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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