I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
