so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
