You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
