toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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