omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize