i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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