It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize