Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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