I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize
