Fine. I'll sleep in my office
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize