I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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