I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
