I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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