yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
