My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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