i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
