WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
