I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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