So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
