just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
