i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Randomize
