pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Randomize
