I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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