she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
