just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
