I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
